Seeking Health and Happiness

On my phone, trigger warning

I’ve fallen off the wagon again.

How did making sure I are enough calories turn into I must eat less than such and such calories? I KNOW it’s hurting my body, and I KNOW I don’t want to go there again, but for whatever reason that’s where I always end up. I love cooking, I love looking at food, and I love feeding other people, but when it comes to eating I can’t bring myself to do it enough.

And of course the problem is compounded because when I do eat, I get sick. Last night I had soup and a piece of bread, and then stomach cramps and nausea for 2 hours. The day before that I threw up what I’d eaten the night before and it didn’t look like it’d even digested at all.

Why can’t I just have a normal relationship with food?

Workout From 5/7

Food:

*Beef Jerky, 1.5 servings (yum, protein)

*Grilled cheese sandwich on wheat bread

*String cheese

*Tofu Stroganoff

*Chocolate chip cookie

Workout: 

*30 minutes on treadmill (zombies run) 9-14 minute mile pace.

*10 reps on crunch machine with 40 lbs.

*20 reps on crunch machine with 60 lbs.

*4 walking laps, 2 jogging laps around upstairs track, 1 lap skipping (9 laps is a mile)

*4 sets of 10 pushups

*2 sets of 10 bench leg-lifts

Breast Reduction

I went from flat as a board to a C-cup almost overnight in fifth grade. By seventh grade they were DD cups, and now, at age 23, I hover somewhere between a 34F and a G.

Prior to having boobs I was a scarecrow; I spent 90% of my waking hours running around like a madman. Once I got boobs, I got all the awesome side effects that come with them. Back pain, headaches, neck pain, poor posture, difficulty breathing. I stopped running because it HURT. My pediatrician told my mom I’d probably developed exercise-induced asthma. He shrugged off my complaints about back pain as attention-seeking.

When I switched doctors at 18 it didn’t get much better. The woman I started going to laughed me off and actually told me once that my boobs were great for when I had kids and decided to breast feed, and that she wouldn’t recommend a reduction because it would limit my ability to be a good mother.

I joined the Air Force after college, and in basic training I developed pneumonia AND bronchitis right around the same time. Finally a doctor recognized my issues and told me it was possible that my breasts were preventing my lungs from inflating or expelling air properly. Of course then I was referred to a doctor that called my chest and back pain acid reflux and discharged me from basic training. So that was grand.

Now I am debating whether I should bring it up at my appointment with my doctor on Peterson and see if a breast reduction is a possibility.

I’ve wanted this almost since I got boobs. I’m an active and athletically inclined person by nature. Being unable to breathe around my breasts has severely limited my ability to even casually exercise, let alone run 5k races. Performing a simple maneuver like a jumping jack requires 20 minutes of wardrobe preparation. Just to go to the gym I have to wear a regular bra, under 2 sports bras, and then tape everything down with an Ace to keep them from knocking the air out of me. 

In terms of my body image, I have an almost non-existant waist. Being incredibly short-waisted and then having massively sagging breasts means I look terrible in most clothing. I wear baggy shirts and low-waisted pants to create the illusion that I have a shape, but right now my self confidence could be described as non-existant.

I’ve done a lot of research, read testimonials and viewed pictures and even spoken with some friends and clients that have gone through the process. The recovery sounds daunting, but for a healthier, happier life with less pain? Sounds worth it to me.

I never get tired of water, but every once in a while it’s nice to change it up.

I grow my own herbs, so sometimes I add a sprig of parsley, a couple mint leaves, and a little lemon juice to my water to add a different flavor.

It’s tasty and refreshing, especially in the summertime when I’m craving lemonade but don’t want the sugar. 

I also add mint to my unsweetened tea. It’s supposed to be really good for digestion and I definitely notice fewer tummy troubles when I ingest it regularly.

I don’t want to be skinny. I want to be stronger, faster, be able to endure more than I ever thought I would. Most of all… I want to inspire.

illfatedbeauty:

_Me

THIS

Let’s begin with the admission that I am tired of being shamed by society.

At the height of my eating disorder in high school I was shamed for making poor health choices, for being ‘too thin’ and for giving in to societal ideals of beauty.

At my highest weight in college I was called ugly and shamed for being overweight, for eating what I wanted and not giving into societal ideals of beauty.

When I lost 60 pounds to join the Air Force, I was called out by a female MTI for being the fattest person in my flight. She’d stand behind me in line and make comments like “mashed potatoes have too much starch for you fatty, better just get a salad”. She’d call me out during pt if I ran too slow, even if some of the thinner girls dropped out and were walking. Finally the male TI in my flight told me that I needed to prove her wrong. And oh boy, did I. If I hadn’t been medically discharged (for a condition I don’t have, infuriatingly) I would have been an honor graduate, and I scored a 90 on my PT test.

I lost 20 more pounds in BMT, came home depressed, met a wonderful man, had a miscarriage, got married, uprooted my life to move in with my husband, and started a business. In that time I’ve gained 30 pounds back, and now am once again shamed by certain individuals for being “too fat”. 

I’m done listening to what other people say.

I want to be healthy, but I want to do it right, without relapsing into EDNOS.

I’m not weighing myself, and I’m not taking measurements.

I will eat better, I will exercise, and if my body changes shape, it changes shape. If it doesn’t, then I will learn to love it the way it is.

And maybe by saying ‘fuck society’ and doing things my way, and being happy in the knowledge that fat or thin, tan or pasty white, short shorts or sweatpants, I am loved and accepted by the people who truly matter, I can inspire someone else who has struggled to do the same.

:)