Let’s begin with the admission that I am tired of being shamed by society.
At the height of my eating disorder in high school I was shamed for making poor health choices, for being ‘too thin’ and for giving in to societal ideals of beauty.
At my highest weight in college I was called ugly and shamed for being overweight, for eating what I wanted and not giving into societal ideals of beauty.
When I lost 60 pounds to join the Air Force, I was called out by a female MTI for being the fattest person in my flight. She’d stand behind me in line and make comments like “mashed potatoes have too much starch for you fatty, better just get a salad”. She’d call me out during pt if I ran too slow, even if some of the thinner girls dropped out and were walking. Finally the male TI in my flight told me that I needed to prove her wrong. And oh boy, did I. If I hadn’t been medically discharged (for a condition I don’t have, infuriatingly) I would have been an honor graduate, and I scored a 90 on my PT test.
I lost 20 more pounds in BMT, came home depressed, met a wonderful man, had a miscarriage, got married, uprooted my life to move in with my husband, and started a business. In that time I’ve gained 30 pounds back, and now am once again shamed by certain individuals for being “too fat”.
I’m done listening to what other people say.
I want to be healthy, but I want to do it right, without relapsing into EDNOS.
I’m not weighing myself, and I’m not taking measurements.
I will eat better, I will exercise, and if my body changes shape, it changes shape. If it doesn’t, then I will learn to love it the way it is.
And maybe by saying ‘fuck society’ and doing things my way, and being happy in the knowledge that fat or thin, tan or pasty white, short shorts or sweatpants, I am loved and accepted by the people who truly matter, I can inspire someone else who has struggled to do the same.